Perfectionism and Managing Your Inner Critic
Kindly tell the negative voices to hush and take that imperfect next step!
“Progress Over Perfection” is front and center these days. Heck, it’s even my coaching slogan and it’s also prominently placed on my digital vision board (mobile and laptop view because I need all the reminders I can get 😉). The reason it’s so important to me and other women of color is perfectionism is a heavy burden often placed on us and it has to change or it will be the death of us-figuratively and literally.
What exactly is perfectionism and what are the signs ?
According to Psychology Today:
It’s a trait that makes life an endless report card on accomplishments or looks.
We:
Are quick to find fault and overly critical of mistakes
Tend to procrastinate a project out of fear of failure
Shrug off compliments and forget to celebrate successes
Look externally for approval and validation
That’s not ME, right?! Looks side to side and lets out a nervous chuckle.
I can feel the “but I’m just striving for excellence!” bubbling up. I hear you. Until recently, I would say the same thing. And you’re right-there is nothing wrong with striving for excellence and having high standards! The difference between perfectionism and excellence is that excellence is about trying to achieve at a high level and reach a goal in the best way possible whereas perfection sets impossibly high standards with one right way of doing things and little to no compassion for mistakes.
One lets you sleep at night, the other keeps you up at night.
A few years ago I had my big WAKE UP call when I was asked to lead a very high profile product launch. I was so afraid to make a mistake or to fail that for months I worked around the clock, micromanaged every aspect of the project, and held myself and my team to impossible standards. The product launched successfully and while others celebrated, I felt depressed and miserable. My perfectionist ways had finally caught up to me. I was deeply unhappy and I knew that something had to change.
How did we get here?
Sometimes it comes from us but more often than not, it’s the systems and institutions interested in maintaining the status quo that are most deeply invested in upholding our “perfection”. The standard is that we will work twice as hard, over deliver every time with zero mistakes, look and act certain ways AND accept their terms with little push back. Even well intentioned family members, friends and mentors have passed down similar messages to help us “play the game and get ahead”. It’s what those who carved a path for us had to do. But guess who ultimately benefits from that…NOT US. We get half of the reward and end up paying the price with high amounts of stress, anxiety, depression, and burn out. Why? Because perfection doesn’t exist. It’s not attainable. Basically-it’s a vicious little hamster wheel.
I would like off this ride, please. Thanks.
There is hope for us!
The reality is that we can’t change these systems overnight and there are no quick fixes for a lifetime of behaviors and mindset. However we can acknowledge that the stress, anxiety, burn-out just isn’t working for us anymore. There has to be another way to live, right? Yes. There is :) But how?
We can focus on what we CAN control and manage it by taking small steps:
Self-Awareness
Knowing is half the battle. Did the signs listed above ring true? If so, take some time to pause and pay attention to your thoughts and patterns. You might even try writing these thoughts down, to understand them better. Once you are aware of how perfectionism creeps in and impacts your life, you can slowly start to change it.
Set Healthy and Realistic Goals
Create healthy goals by basing them more on your wants and desires and less on the expectations of others. Then make them attainable by using the SMART Method: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Timely. Here’s an example of a SMART goal to help improve positivity: “ I’m going to write in a gratitude journal 10 minutes every evening for one month.”
Get Comfortable with Mistakes
Here’s a well kept-secret: it’s not the end of the world if we fail! Mistakes are opportunities for us to learn, grow and do better. One way to get more comfortable is by starting a new hobby that you’ll likely not be good at first. Instead of trying to be “perfect” at it, focus instead on enjoying the activity and slowly learning how to get better.
Celebrate Small Wins
Celebrating small wins is a great way to help us see what we’ve accomplished so far! Celebrating also gives us the boost and confidence to keeping moving towards our larger goals. One way to celebrate might be to do something nice for yourself like a massage.
Self-Kindness
Practice being kind and understanding towards yourself. For example, instead of judging yourself (I should have known better!), try using a compassionate tone (I did my best with what I had). It’s telling yourself to “Talk to me nice”.
In the words of Rupaul: ”If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gon’ love somebody else”.
Be your best, do your best and know that it’s enough because YOU are enough.
